Jeffrey's Sixth Birthday Party

Jeffrey settled upon an Octonauts theme for his birthday party.  Of course I turned to Pinterest to help me with ideas. 

For colors I was lucky enough to find the colors used for the show blue (R5 G89 B135) and orange (R253 G122 B31) and the font ROSEWOOD STD (which is upper case only).  We went with Orange, Bermuda Blue, and Fresh Lime for our paper goods.  I actually had some orange stuff still in my party bag from Jeffrey's second birthday party.

For food we did sea snails (pigs in a blanket), blowholes (mini donuts), baby carrots, octojelly (layered blue and green jello), fish biscuits (goldfish), seaweed (sour punch straws), peanut butter and jelly(fish) sandwiches and driftwood (pretzel sticks). 

Drinks were salt free ocean water (water), Barrot's Bubbles (soda) and Peso's Punch (capri suns).  For dessert we had pink frosted cupcakes a la Professor Inkling.

Emma (the littlest, cutest, niece-y) put together some cute snacks marshmallows and pretzel rods dipped in blue candy melts with a goldfish added, the marshmallows were also dipped in crushed graham cracker.  Those were really popular and I wish I had had her make more. 




To add atmosphere we used a role of blue tablecloth to cover things up, streamers and these adorable jellyfish made from shower caps (8 for $1 at Dollar Tree!); Jason was wondering if it was enough and one guest commented "I've been transported under the sea".  I printed out pictures from Octonauts and hung them up around the house, including signs for the head (bathroom).

For activities I had out some ocean themed books and sensory bins.  Bin #1 was blue water beads with our In The Water Toob, Bin #2 was green aquarium gravel with seashells, Bin #3 was green and blue flat glass gems with ocean animals.  All our ride on toys were out, a little slide and the kids loved playing in our dirt pit.

Favor bags were plain paper bags that had explore, rescue or protect written on them.  Inside we tried to have a favor from each member of the crew, but it didn't quite work out.  We had plastic syringes (Peso), Pufferfish punchballs (Inkling), gold coins (Kwazii), coloring page (Barnacles), sea creature expanding sponges (Dashi - we were going to do stamps or stickers but couldn't find ones we liked), magnifying glass (Shellington) and goldfish (Tunip).  We were going to do mini notebooks for Tweak's Octopad but ended up not finding them at the right price.  I bought everything locally at Boswells or Dollar Tree.  At the last minute I spotted the whale baby bathtub in the garage and piled all the favor bags into it.

I hope everyone enjoyed themselves, I know our family was happy but tired when all the guests trickled out.

I think God just loves to make me a liar (or The story of how I met my husband)

I met my husband at a Model United Nations conference when I was in college.  We were seated near to each other in committee (I was India, he was Iran and Indonesia sat between us) that first night and I thought he was really cute.  The next morning I got there early so I could try and sit with him, he came in and put his stuff down so I casually put my stuff near his.  He then came by and picked his stuff up and moved to a different seat.  I remember thinking something along the lines of "crap" and "how am I going to make picking up my stuff look casual".  I think we ended up sitting next to each other and over the course of the day got to know the other.  Our big discussion was on who had the worst life.  He thought his girlfriend was going to break up with him, I might've said something similar but added that my dad had just had surgery on his knee to lengthen his leg.  I think I won.  We decided to go to dinner, don't remember if we invited anyone else, but it turned out to be just us.  At dinner we talked some more about a wide range of topics and somehow the conversation turned to faith.  As Jason outlined his views I thought "I could never marry a man like this."  We were just too far apart, I was a Christian and Jason was not.  I was disappointed but still very attracted to him.

The last night of the conference we hung out together and took a walk.  We ended up on a pier watching the airplanes at SFO.  I remember wanting to kiss him so bad and at the same time thinking that he would think I was a horrible person because I would be cheating on my boyfriend.  Strangely I never thought about him making a move and him cheating on his girlfriend.  Eventually we ended up kissing, it was getting cold so we headed back to the hotel.  We were both sharing a room so we ended up making out in the lobby.  (The crazy things you do when you are young and shameless.)  He was leaving super early in the morning, like 4 or 5am, he walked me back to my room and we exchanged addresses.  (This is obviously pre-cellphone.)  I remember watching him walk away and the thought that flashed through my head was "I should've slept with him".  THAT was a crazy thought, I had never thought or felt that way towards any of the boys I had dated.  It sorted rocked me to my core.  The idea that this was the love of my life, that I would've at least known this type of love before being alone for the rest of my life.  The rational side of my brain tried to kick in "what if I had gotten pregnant", but the other side, the crazy side was insisting that either I would find him again or I could tell my child the story of my great love affair and one night stand.  Like I said, crazy.

I woke up a few hours later and went through the rest of my day; that night I talked to my boyfriend on the phone.  The next thing I knew it was morning, I had fallen asleep on the phone talking to my boyfriend!  Oh great, I started to fret hoping I hadn't called him the wrong name or said something.  My boyfriend called back later and I apologized for falling asleep on the phone, then he announced that this wasn't working out and he wanted to break up.  I was fine with that.  (Funny side note, he called a few days later to say he missed me and he wanted to get back together.  I told him I'd already met someone else.)

I sent Jason a letter and a postcard or maybe two postcards, hoping that I would get a letter back in return.  My mom called a few days later saying I had a letter, it was from Jason!  I begged her to open it and read it to me, then I thought better of that and demanded that she send it to me.  Opening my mailbox a few days later I found the letter my mom had forwarded AND another letter from Jason!  I was so excited, I think I might've told everyone on the third floor about my letters.

We traded letters back and forth over the summer and eventually I made plans to go visit him and his family for Thanksgiving.  So many of my friends were against our relationship, in fact my Bible Study leader and my roommate held an intervention the night before I flew out trying to convince me not to go.  On the plane I pondered and thought.  I was confused about why God had put this person in my life if He didn't intend him for me.  I didn't understand why there was all this pressure from my friends to break off the relationship when I felt that God obviously wanted us to be together.  Was this a test?  Of whom?  A test of my relationship with God, with my friends, with Jason, with my family?  As the plane began to land I grew nervous, what were we going to do when we saw each other again.  Did we hug?  Should I hold out my hand for him to shake?  Did he expect me to kiss him?  What if I didn't recognize him?  What if he was disappointed in how I looked?  I tried to calm myself down, telling myself that whatever happened would just happen naturally.

We hugged.  I remember being engulfed, of feeling overpowered, a feeling of strength and contentment.  I felt like it lasted forever, both fierce and a gentle togetherness.  Did we kiss?  I don't remember; the hug was so overwhelming and the shock of it's rightness, of it's homecoming just all took some time to process.  We slept in separate rooms in non-sexy pj's.  We got to know each other, became comfortable with our bodies being together.  (No, no, no, not like that!  Just in a general sense of seeing each other, what we looked like.  Holding hands, sitting close and yes, kissing.)

My visit was great.  I got to see so much of Jason and how he lived his life.  How hard he worked, how dedicated he was to his studies, how much he loved his family.  One of the things that really just cemented my feelings for him was watching him read to his two littlest nieces, both of them cuddled up with him, him making different voices for the characters and taking his time with the story, the love and care he had for them.  I knew he would be a great father.

By the time summer rolled around I knew without a doubt that God wanted me to marry Jason.  For summer break I moved in with Jason, I was firmly convinced that by the time school started again, I'd have a ring on my finger.  It didn't happen.  It took me leaving for Jason to realize how much he needed me.  He called his Dad and asked if they could talk in person, that he had something important to talk about.  His Dad said "So, you gonna marry her or what?"  (To this day I tease Jason that he was the only one who didn't know we were getting married.)

Growing up you make plans for your life; I thought I'd graduate college and teach before getting married, probably to a fellow teacher, in my late twenties or early thirties and that we'd have kids shortly thereafter.  Not in a million years would I have thought I'd be married by 21 and not be a high school English teacher.  However, I know God prepared me for these things.  I knew my husband would be nice, smart and want children.  I asked God for a faithful man who hadn't slept with a whole bunch of women.  I hoped he'd be good looking and have blue eyes. 

I know my life is turning out how He planned; not how I planned, not how my friends wanted, not what my family expected.  Maybe I was put here on Earth for Jason, to lead him gently through the years to faith in Christ Jesus.  Jason hasn't made a declaration of faith in God yet, but his old beliefs have fallen away and he sees God's providence, sees Him working in our lives; until that day comes it is my fervent hope and prayer that Jason accepts Jesus as his Savior.

So, remember Jason and I's first date when I thought "I could never marry a man like that"; God just loves to make me a liar.

State Resources Books - The Boxcar Children

We love books at our house and I love to seek out books both new and old to share with my children.  We are fortunate to be able to travel, mostly to see family and friends.  To get ready for a trip I hit the library for some non-fiction books to learn about the area and pull out any resources I might already have.  Once our oldest kiddo was ready for some longer stories I looked for books that featured the place we were going.  All our travel is within the United States and I thought it would be easy to pick up a few fiction books that featured a specific locale, turns out it's not as easy as I would've thought. 

So, I'm making my own list!  I've started my list with The Boxcar Children created by Gertrude Chandler Warner. 

Now, this is just my list so I might've missed a book that featured a location, especially since I didn't actually read all of these books; the list is organized by state and at the end are Washington D.C. and regions that span more than one state.  I have typically not included books about "the beach" or "in a wild west town".

State Resources Books - The Boxcar Children

Alaska: Special #12
Arizona: #52
California: #51 (San Francisco), #57
Florida: #41 (Key West),  #66 (Everglades NP), Special #20
Hawaii: #64
Illinois: Special #10 (Chicago)
Iowa: #101
Kansas: #105
Louisiana: Special #19
Michigan: Special #9
Missouri: #20 (Hannibal)
Montana: #139
New Jersey: #131
New York: #38 (New York City), Special #8 (Niagara Falls),  Special #13
North Carolina: #77
Oregon: #132
Pennsylvania: #123 (Philadelphia)
South Carolina: #54 (Charleston)
Texas: #58 (The Alamo)
Vermont: #90
Virginia: #63
Washington: #111 (Seattle)
West Virginia: #59
Wisconsin:  #98
Wyoming: #61 (Yellowstone)

Washington D.C. - Special #2
Navajo Reservation-  #37
New England - #39, Special #3
The Rockies - #71
South Sea Islands (South Carolina, Georgia, Florida) -  #6

Cute poster

Found a cute poster on flickr, but apparently I can't pin from that.  Here's the creator Krissy Venosdale's flicker site: https://www.flickr.com/photos/venosdale/

I can't shop without my husband

Yes readers, that's right I was pregnant with twins.  Totally unexpected and wonderously awesome.  Originally we called the baby "Baby MAC" for Mysteriously Awesome Conception but just around month four our doctor found a hidden baby!  A friend of ours told me this was God's way of giving us the big family we always wanted, and assumed we would never have due to our infertility problem.  So fast forward through the sickness (everyday, all day, especially when I did too much), napping (everyday, 3 or 4 hours plus towards the end I'd fall asleep just about anywhere), pain (horrible, crazy pain from the pelvic girdle) and giant tummy that didn't fit in restaurant booths;  Sunshine and Lollipop came at 34w5d by C-section.  Recovery from the c-section has been a lot longer, four months later and I still get sore when I do too much.

Lollipop stayed in the hospital for four days and Sunshine for seven.  They did have Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) that went undetected but thankfully both were okay.  Lollipop was bright red from all the extra blood cells and it took a good two months for his color to normalize;  Sunshine was a little pale for a couple of weeks.

So life with twins is, uh . . . fun?  No, no, messy, like this blog!  Tiring, totally going with tiring.  Despite all I've seen about identical twins, mine do not keep the same schedule.  They do sleep through the night, but during the day one tends to be awake in the morning and the other in the afternoon with a nap sandwiched in there somewhere.  They don't do too many cute "twin" things, but they do tend to be mirror images of each other.

I can not go shopping.  No, not because people to stop and ask if they are twins or exclaim that there are two babies "over there"; there is just no room in the shopping cart.  Our Costco has new shopping carts and I hate them.  The part where your kid sits does not fold up and only one infant seat will fit flat in the basket (one twin always ends up tilted).  I went to Target by myself with all three kids because we ran out of formula and the hubby and I were too tired and lazy to go the night before.  That was a comical sight!  I had one baby in his seat sideways in the top part and the other baby below, then the four year old stood in the little space that was left between the babies.  While people stared I just tossed stuff in the little space under the baby that was in the top and like cousin Kurt would say, "git 'er done".

I want to start a new blog.  Not that I'm great at this one by any stretch of the imagination.  It would be focused on travelling with kids.  Something at which we do a lot of, in fact the twins are going on their first trip next week.  A family reunion (which we learned about 6 weeks ago) that we are going to drive to.  We'll visit with family, check out some local scenery, and do a lot of driving.  I have faith my car will make it there and back in one piece, my mind however I might lose somewhere on I-5.

Needle Ice

Hello blog.

I saw a cool experiment that explained the phenomena of needle ice on The Weather Channel tonight, the program Weird Weather.  The woman used plain white chalk with a line draw around it in marker.  She then placed them in a shallow bath of rubbing alcohol.  The color of course spread up the chalk, illustrating the same principle present in the formation of needle ice.

There was also a segment about pancake ice, which is really cool looking.

Oh yes, I'm having twins.  Totally random.

My life as a mentally ill mom

Maybe that's what this blog should be about, maybe that's its calling, its purpose; talking out about mental illness and explaining to people that we aren't all homeless, unkempt, muttering fools.  I'm well educated, I have a crazy head of hair, I'm married with one kid and I'm mentally ill.


I wasn't always mentally ill, although I've spent more than half my life dealing this condition.  Sometimes it seems like just yesterday when I came to the realization that something was wrong, that something was seriously wrong.  There became a point where I realized I was way off track and well meaning people kept asking when I was going to finish my educational training, when was I going to start working full time, when was I going to . . .  What I heard was, what's wrong with you, why aren't you the person you used to be, what happened to your drive?  You'd have thought that I would've sought help, but I didn't.  I continued to bury myself into my bed and sleep all day.  Eventually I began therapy (again) and started to see some improvement from my more ridiculous fears and thoughts.  I was resistant and fought the idea of medication.  I started and quit many times.  I wanted to give up and just live the life I had, was given, was dealt to live.


Eventually we acquired health care, which included therapy sessions and medication.  I really didn't waste much time getting back into therapy.  I was very lucky to find two excellent doctors, one an MD who handles my medication and specializes in people with my disorder, and a very patient doctor who led me through a few years of therapy.  I am in some small ways "better", but I know that this a long road with dips, giant valleys, never ending potholes and yes, even rises where I can
look out and enjoy the view.


After my therapist retired I took a break from therapy, but one morning I woke up and realized that things had gotten bad.  Not eating, not bathing, a lack of self care - this is when I know I've tripped and fallen into one of those potholes.  I started therapy again, I was asked to consider an outpatient program, I refused.  Too much mommy guilt.  I felt I was taking away something from my baby, that he needed me more than I needed to get better.  Those of you with mommy guilt know exactly
what I'm saying. 


My baby is now three and a half.  I still go to therapy, I go to group once a week, I take my medication every morning.  I try to change in small ways, I pay attention to the danger signs.  I still don't like to ask for help, but every day I'm more and more open about my life, about my disease, my condition, my depression.  I'm never going to be cured; there will always be failures where I succumb to that internal voice that tells me that I am unimportant, unloved and not deserving of loving
kindness.  There will be remissions. "Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."  "Only let us live up to what we have already attained." -Philipians 3:13-14, 16 

Thanksgiving Songs

I'd really like to teach JeffJeff some Thanksgiving songs this year.  I spent some time looking up songs and I've picked my favorites and divided them into categories:  Let's try these, Favorites and Maybe next year.  (The picture is one of Jeffrey's favorite Thanksgiving books.)

Let's try these

Turkey Chant
            (Tune - Military Cadence)
Gobble Gobble is the sound (repeat)
Of the turkey fat and round (repeat)
Thanksgiving Day will soon be here (repeat)
Then he'll surely disappear (repeat)



Pumpkin Pie (Tune - Peanut Butter & Jelly)
First you take the pumpkin and you pick it (pick it)
Pumpkin, pumpkin pie - yummy!  Pumpkin, pumpkin pie - yummy!
Then you take the pumpkin and you carve it (carve it)
Next you take the spices and you mix it (mix it)
You put it in the oven and you wait (you wait)
Let it cool and you eat it (eat it)

I'm A Little Turkey (Obviously - I'm A Little Teapot)
I'm a little turkey on a farm.
Here are my feathers, here is my beak.
When Thanksgiving comes I get real freaked,
Please don't eat me for your treat!

Thanksgiving Day (Tune - Farmer in the Dell)
(from Building Literacy With Interactive Charts by Schlosser and Phillips; Scholastic , 1992)
The ____ ran away
Before Thanksgiving Day.
He said, "They'll make a ____ of me
If I decide to stay!
Choices:  turkey/roast, pumpkin/pie, cranberry/sauce, bread/stuffing

Favorites

Albuquerque Turkey (Tune - Clementine)  I sang this as a child!
Albuquerque is a turkey 
And he's feathered and he's fine
And he wobbles and he gobbles 
And he's absolutely mine! 
He's the best pet you can get yet 
Better than a dog or cat 
He's my Albuquerque turkey 
And I'm awfully proud of that! 
And my Albuquerque turkey 
Is so happy in his bed 
'Cause for our Thanksgiving Dinner 
We have spaghetti instead!

Fat Turkeys Are We (Tune - Did You Ever See a Lassie?) 
Angie taught us this song last year 
Oh, gobble, gobble, gobble,
Fat turkeys, fat turkeys.
Gobble, gobble, gobble,
Fat turkeys are we.

We walk very proudly and gobble so loudly (Chorus)
We're not here for living, we're here for Thanksgiving (Chorus)
They stuff you and bake you and then they will taste you (Chorus)

Chorus:
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
Fat turkeys are we.

Maybe next year

The First Thanksgiving (Tune - Twinkle, Twinkle)
Pick the corn and pick the beans,
Pick the squash and other greens
It is harvest time you see
Come and share a feast with me.
Bring your family out to play,
We'll call this Thanksgiving Day.
Thanksgiving Song (Tune - Row, Row, Row Your Boat)
The Pilgrims sailed away,
Far across the sea.
They came to America
So they could be free.
The Native Americans
Helped them plant the corn.
Then they shared a great big feast,
Thanksgiving Day was born!

Love me some ABC's

I stumbled upon this abecedarium from My Outdoor Alphabet, I believe they are all by Seth Neilson, and I just adored some of the images.  They have several different alphabet's available with more to come.  You can buy them from their website http://wasa.bigcartel.com/.

C is for Compass

 

N is for North Star

Y is for Yellowstone

 

 

 

K is for Kickstand



 

 

 

Count to Twelve!

First, I did not come up with this concept, it came from the website genkienglish.com, they focus on teaching English as a foreign language, mostly in Japan.  Anyways, I had been thinking about teaching a little class on numbers for my moms group when I stumbled upon this idea:

1 -----> 12 -----> 31 -----> 60

Teach numbers 1-12

• Each of these numbers has it's own unique name.  
• This might also be a good time to start referencing the time since you now have all the hours of the day memorized.

Teach numbers 13-31

• These numbers now begin to follow a set pattern (teens, twenties, thirties, etc).
• This number range allows you to "sneak" in some calendar time by pointing out that no month has more than 31 days.

Teach numbers 32-60

• Now you can count to 60 which is the number of minutes in an hour.

Teach numbers 61-100

• I haven't gotten this far with Jeffrey, but I think the next set I would do is 100.  That is how many pennies are in a dollar and it will naturally lead into more in depth discussions on fractions and percentages.

My Pintrest pictures

Here I am again posting pictures on my blog for pintrest, stupidly I forgot to save the links to give credit for the original originator of the idea for the nail polish and workbench.

This here is a beer fridge under a wine rack.  I don't know that we'll need wine rack storage but we could really use something like that for Jason's beer.  Perhaps a wine fridge would be good so we could put some of the larger beers in it as well, guess it would just depend on what we end up getting.  I really love refridgerated drawers like that though, always wanted to have one in my bedroom for pepsi and hiding the "good" ice cream in.

Stupid blog ate my picture!  Dang you auto save.  It was a crib with a tension rod between it and the wall creating about a 2 foot space for kids to have a cozy reading nook.

 These are marshmallows dipped in frosting with tootsie rolls on top - cute for a spa party or party for your little girl.

Workbench made from a nightstand.

http://feedingmykid.wordpress.com/2011/11/25/fireman-dress-up-tutorial/
This is a woman's shirt with ribbon and patches.  It also has velcro instead of buttons.  There is an iron-on ribbon similar to this that is about $8.  I'm thinking that or some duct tape would be fine.

Travel

  I really like these letters; I'm kinda into typography and I adore maps.  I would love to have big maps up when we get a house.  Perhaps in a hallway on thin cork so that we could place pins in it.

We travel quite a bit since Jason's family is so spread out.  We've been to all our nieces and nephews high school graduations and one college graduation.  I'm hoping we'll be able to go to the next college graduation but our finances aren't all that great and I just realized we have a high school graduation next year as well.

We are trying to plan a big vacation for 2015 that would include family and possibly friends.  We're going to go to South Dakota for Sturgis!  It's the 75th anniversary so hopefully there will be lots of cool things going on.  I'm toying with the idea of putting together a slide show or presentation of some sort that will give people an idea of what's in the area as well as travel arrangements, dates and costs.  I figure the longer in advance people have notice the better they will be able to save for the trip.

Pinterest

So of course since I'm a big ol' joiner I'm on pinterest.  I had been avoiding it because I didn't want to become obsessed.  The more I think about it though, it's really perfect for me. I'm big on favorites links and this is just another way of organizing it but visually - you know, with pictures!  It's also easier to view than a list of links.

The only problem I've discovered is that you can't put your boards into other boards. I really like to have things very organized on my computer so normally I'd have a folder titled Travel with my various travel plans inside, but you can't do that on pintrest so instead I have boards titled Travel-Montana Summer 2013, Travel-New York Summer 2014, and so on.

Anyways, the whole reason I'm making this post is that I tried to pin something the other day and it wouldn't let me because it said the pin was linked to spam or some such thing.  I figured I'd just save the picture to my computer and then pin it from there but then realized I couldn't do that, I also can't pin from facebook which is where I would normally put a picture.  Then my "aha!" lightbulb went off and I remembered I could put the picture on my blog.

Okay, that took awhile to figure out but I've got it up now.  Anyways, I love these in wall storage ideas.  I was thinking that one this size would be perfect in a hallway for linen storage.  We lived in my grandparents home for a year and there was very little storage space.  Something like this in the hallway would've been super great for linen storage.  Oooh, I just had an idea!  This would be awesome in a family room for game storage!  It would work really well at my mom's house on the wall that adjoins the garage.  It would be a little different because it would extend into the garage but it would be nice unobtrusive storage.

Thoughts

I hate having to sign in to make comments on blogger.com blogs, so I usually don't do it.  But today I found myself wanting to connect with someone and I decided to bite the bullet and just sign in.  Then I realized I hadn't written on this blog in over a year.  Oh well, it's not like anyone reads this.  In fact I just saw a timeline with how often my blog has been viewed and the high point was 1.

I think I might occasionally start blogging again, especially since I am wanting to do a little homeschool preschool with my little guy.  His name is Jeffrey, I don't get all these bloggers who don't name their children in their posts and instead give them cutesy nicknames.  Seriously you are showing us their faces in photographs and if someone really wanted to stalk you they would already be doing it.  It's like these idiot women I was reading about a few years ago who were worried about kidnappers and child molesters and someone pointed out that these same women have bumper stickers proclaiming their kid's star student status and those little stick people on their back windows.

Also I might blog about travelling with Jeff Jeff.  We love to travel and mostly do road trips and it was hard to find good resources about travelling in a car for an extended period with a little one.  We're planning a trip this summer in which one of the main things we'll be doing is travelling all over the state of Montana.  We'll be going to Glacier National Park (driving in from North East Washigton) and then, well that's as far as I've gotten in the planning.  Not quite sure where we'll go after that but I know we want to drive to eastern Montana and then south to visit Little Bighorn.  I've toyed with the idea of then driving south through Wyoming at that point but I'm not sold on that idea.

Constantly reminded

So many of our friends are struggling with infertility and recently a friend posted on facebook about how the clock is ticking.  Of our friends we only know one couple that did not have trouble conceiving within a year. Everyone else is struggling.

One of the problems is, no one talks about infertility. We only told our parents and my best friend, we know the pain of trying to conceive and having nothing happen. That struggle does not need monthly reminders from friends, we get that in the form of blood.

I didn't really think about life with baby once we got pregnant; I think it's some sort of protective measure for my heart. My heart grieves for our friends that have lost children, such pain and sorrow after the feeling of jubilation. I made plans for how to deal with my dysthymia, how to combat potential post-natal depression; but nothing concrete. Of course prior to even trying we talked about what we wanted to give our children, how many we wanted to have and how we wanted to adopt or do foster care.

Once you enter the minefield of fertility treatment though you have to slow down and consider your options, there are only so many rounds of drugs you can take so timed intercourse and IUI are somewhat limited. You can find someone to carry your baby for you or use someone's eggs or sperm. You can spend money for IVF or adoption. This all weighs heavily. At some point in our journey to parenthood, while lying in our bed at night, I up and announced to my husband that if we couldn't have biological children I didn't want children at all. That was a hard realization to come to.

We were very lucky to get pregnant the first time we did IUI. Three blood tests later I was realizing that this was actually happening. I remember our first ultrasound at six weeks, I wished the nurse would've printed a picture of tiny Guster. I was afraid that that might be the only picture we would get, especially given what happened next. I complained about some pain and after a blood draw we found that my hormone levels were very low, the nurse ordered medication and a more detailed ultrasound. The next day we sat in the waiting room of the imaging department waiting for my name to be called, the tech came and told Jason he couldn't come in with me. She had a lot of trouble finding the baby and getting good images, but she finally gave me some peace when she said that she found the heart and that it was beating. Later the nurse called to say everything looked fine with Guster.

When sharing the news of our pregnancy we called some people because I wanted them to be able to process the news privately. I remember being at church when the pastor announced yet another woman was pregnant and I couldn't contain my tears. The feelings of unfairness and inadequacy. I wanted to spare people the pain of having to hide their emotions.

So, moral of the story and your take away:

• Fertility starts to decline at age 30 and once you hit 35 you only need to wait six months instead of twelve to seek out infertility treatment.



• Talk with a specialist.



• Consider your options and realize your plans are going to have to change, you may no longer be able to have the four or more children you planned on.



• Don't be afraid to ask your doctor what Plan B is, at the insemination I asked a whole bunch of questions about what we would be trying next.



• Don't be afraid to share your story, lots of people are struggling and sometimes it's nice to read the success stories (especially if they share a diagnosis), let's you know someone is experiencing this too - you are not alone.

Surrounded by two computers and a messy desk

So, I'm posting on my blog basically because I wanted to leave a comment on Melinda's and I realized I hadn't written on here all year. Maybe when our baby is born I will use it to post pictures and stuff. Melinda asked if I was going to do that and I was thinking, yeah, I'll do it a few times and then I'll just forget about it.

Still like the title of my blog though. Still in therapy (like that's ever going to change).

No longer dealing with trying to get pregnant as you can (not) see, we ended up doing IUI and it worked on the first try. I think I was in shock that it worked the first time out. Jason doesn't really feel comfortable discussing the IUI, but I don't really care if people know. I just don't want to hear anyone's story about how they know someone who was trying and then a) started/finished the adoption process and just got pregnant b) tried for a long time and then stopped and got pregnant c) some other story that I really don't give a **** about. It's not your story, it's what you saw happen, these mysterious people have no bearing on my life and regardless of all that, infertility is like a minefield. It could be the woman, it could be the man, it could be both, it could be unexplainable; each of those situations require different treatments and procedures and just because pregnancy happened to someone you sort of know about doesn't mean that it will happen for us. It is not somehow uplifting or inspiring for you to tell me this "miracle story", it's pointless because by this point in the game people we've heard all the stories! We could really care less that it ended up happening somehow to someone you sort of know. Now if it was you personally that made it through this voyage then sure, go ahead and share. I know it feels good to be able to say "Hey, we did it and it worked", to say "It happened to us and it can happen to you" to sort of see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I would've appreciated someone telling us "Look, we were dealing with infertility as well and this is the good thing that happened".

Worst daughter EVER!

So today I was to wake up and be ready for my mom at 5am, Jason turned the alarm off and I woke up at 5:44, I ran to the front door where my mom had been beating at the door for 15 minutes. She woke up the neighbors, I feel so bad about that. Mom drove fast to the airport, I kept telling her to step on the gas and "GO!" Luckily Mom and Louise got to the airport about 6:40ish and right now I am checking SFO's website and it says that they are still boarding - hopefully everything worked out okay.

I have a therapy appointment today, just kind of thinking about what I'm going to talk about, I was thinking about my parent's divorce and realized that today is the date of their marriage. I think it kind of funny, as in odd funny, not ha ha funny, that they are both on vacation today. I wonder if that was intentional or not. Probably not in my mom's case, she's going on a cruise, but my dad planned a trip to Disneyland; either way I hope they both are having a good time.

I've got some of the day mapped out, therapy at 10am and then I've got to go to the teacher supply store and then to Target to get a gift card as an apology to my neighbors (this is the second time that they have been disturbed by my family trying to bang my door down). Jason will be home around 4:30 and then he said he had to check to see if he has an evening client, but he went last week so he should be free this week. Maybe I'll make dinner again, I do have mom's car so I could go buy anything I need. Speaking of mom's car, she wanted to know what I'd be doing with it and I said I had a doctor's appointment today and tomorrow and then she was all "Well (sigh), okay, I just don't want anything to happen to it." thanks, I'm going to be all paranoid now.

I've been cooking dinner!

So far I've cooked dinner twice this week. Today my whole meal was made from scratch; I made a Cherry Tomato Onion Tart because we had so many cherry tomatoes from our CSA box and udon noodles in a peanut sauce. Yes, I'm well aware that these two items don't go together, but they were both tasty and aside from the actual noodles I made everything! The only thing that went wrong was that I read the oven temp direction wrong, it was 200 but it was Celsisus and I forgot to convert it, oh well, it took a little longer and the tomatoes weren't quite as wrinkly as I was going for but the crust was cooked which is what I was mainly concerned with.

Love Jeopardy!

We've DVR'd a bunch of Jeopardy episodes and today we've watched 3 episodes. We're not that dorky; I haven't kept score today.

So lately I've been thinking

I've been thinking lately about my blog and using it as a platform for something bigger. I don't know why, maybe it's because I want to be (cue bright lights and snappy music) FAMOUS! Okay, not really. Besides, no one reads my blog and I kinda like it that way (no offense to those of you actually reading these infrequent missiles).

I thought about writing about my "journey" with depression, but I don't think anyone wants to read about that. I thought about posting different challenges for the day, but I don't know if I'll actually want to complete any of them. You say, but just pick something you want to do! But what I want to do and what I end up doing are often two completely different things. I thought about writing about wanting a baby, but at the moment it's still out of our hands, well it's always out of our hands and into God's, but until we find out what's going on there's no point in hypothesizing, we're just going to wait and go to our appointment and then go from there.